How To Mourn Asuma Sarutobi Before he Dies
by if.the.plane.goes.down
Summary: So you're sad about the moment you lost your love. You couldn't see him leaving. You were gassed. God yanked the rug. And holding your heart will not help you breathe.
1. stripped

She only knocks on his door once before she can hear him coming to answer it. And she doesn't have to wait too long before he opens it, allowing her a sliver of a view into the dark unknown of the world beyond his doorway and a full view of him.

He's dressed in pajama pants and a rough looking t-shirt that clings to his bones and shows off every contour and every lithe line of hard worked sinew. But she wouldn't be thinking about that now.

It doesn't surprise her that his eyes are dry and assertively examining her face and the boxes balanced precariously in her arms. While her eyes are red and puffy, and underlined in pensive plum colored circles. And that she has a bright red nose from wiping it so frequently against the sleeve of her tattered sweater. And her stubby nails are broken down from picking and re-picking apart the threads of her own aching heart.

However he looks perfectly normal.

Except for may'be his crazy silver hair, which apart from looking a little flat on one side is sticking up all over his head like a crazed chicken. But that was probably from just having woken up from a deep satisfying sleep. And usually she'd have to fight to stop herself from reaching out and smoothing down his unruly mane. But he was never really one for physical contact.

And she has no fight left in her anyway.

For a second she wonders what he must think of her. Showing up on his doorstep so obviously un-put together. And for another second they simply stand and stare at each other. Taking each other in and breathing in the tension, exhaling unspoken words.

Until finally he runs a weary hand through his thick hair and with a sigh like a vacuum, sucking the air from her body he says "Um...do....come in Kurenai." His voice is flat, but his one eye is so pained it's almost endearing. And she can't think of any plausible way to react, which seems to be happening more and more as of late.

So she tosses her dark hair over her shoulder and says "Well, if we're going to do this, we might as well get it over with." and pushes past him before he can answer bewildered, setting the boxes down on the floor and already shrugging out of her coat and peeling off her shirt.


	2. ghost

It's a stupid idea, but it's the only thing she knows to do.

And she doesn't know why she asked for Kakashi's help. He certainly doesn't have anything to do with it, really. But she always felt that the relationship was AsumaKurenaiKakashi. And not just KurenaiAsuma. Though that was only wistful thinking, and almost undeniable lust on her part. Never being able to be near Kakashi without feeling a jolt of desire at his presence. And never ever trusting herself to be alone with him. Whether he had felt something for Asuma or even for her wasn't quite clear. But then again Kakashi was usually like that.

He was in some ways their ghost. A shadow to them, when THEY existed. But THEY were no more, which is exactly what she doesn't want to think about. And exactly what she has come to Kakashi to remedy.

There were plenty of Asuma's things at her place, and together they carry them into Kakashi's living room. Kakashi sits on the floor crossing his long coltish legs and peeling the box open with his spider fingers under the tape. She watches his animalistic movements from the corner of her eye and changes into a huge silk robe in his bathroom. Her reflection in the mirror above the sink frightens her. The robe smells like him. This doesn't comfort her.

They don't speak much to each other, simply pry Asuma's things from the boxes and pile them on the floor. They sort them into keep and do not keep piles. She watches Kakashi's face intently but he shows no emotion, though he does handle each item with care turning it over again and again before raising it up for her assessment. She doesn't think this means anything. Though deep in her gut she wishes she was capable of it.

Eventually all of the things end up in the do not keep pile. Her hands tremble as he sets Asuma's hitai-ate down on top of it. She feels like a ghost is breathing down the back of her neck. Touching her shoulder, lightly. Brushing the hair away from her neck. They put all of the things neatly into Asuma's old battered guitar case with the guitar padded and safely netted away at the bottom.

As they close it like a coffin on his memories she feels an urge to cry so sharply that it digs into her stomach like a wrenching knife. And a smooth hand cold as stone slip into her own. She almost pulls away frightened that it is the ghost. Then looks up and sees Kakashi's fingers curled around her own. He gives her a pained smile.


	3. super massive black hole

When they finally get to the river a few miles off from the village it's dark and cold. They're wearing nothing but robes and sandals over their bare skin and undergarments. And lugging Asuma's guitar case full of his dead things. Kurenai follows stiffly behind Kakashi, watching his broad back lumbering along. His neck is surprisingly thin and vulnerable looking. Alabaster white. The hairs against the base of his neck look as fine as spun silver.

They climb a grassy hilltop up the very crest, the scraggly jumping off point is situated several feet above the water, where all the roots and rocks point down down down into the vast dark empty crater below. Ebony rushing water.

She trips twice in the slick grass, the rocks hiding in the moist mud stinging her palms. But she doesn't stop. And neither does Kakashi. Neither does he say anything to her, simply robotically offers his hand each time she falls to pull her back up.

She hates him.

Passionately.

When they reach the cliff top Kakashi sets the guitar case down in a balding patch of brush beneath a giant wilting tree and then without saying anything to her he heads towards the water. She watches him go, standing and leaning against the tree.

He scales the rocky mountain side agile as a cat, coattails of his robe flying out behind him like bat wings. He dips in and out of the moonlight and sometimes she loses sight of him completely in the darkness. Until he is swinging through brambles and nimbly leaping over rocks again, searching for an area to hold his weight.

She waits. With her arms folded around her body to keep out the cold and watches him through films of her own visible breath. He finally finds a large smooth stone jutting out like a diving board above the water. He steadies himself, turns around and eyes her questioningly, shoulders raised almost defensively.

She comes to him without him asking. Stumbling and scrambling uneasily through the path he picked through with ease. And when she gets close enough to him, he wordlessly reaches out his arms for her and she walks into him and allows herself to be safely lifted down to the rock beside him.

They undress slipping off their robes and sandals and stand looking down into the water in silence. She can hear it gushing peacefully. Can feel her heart pulsing against her skull. She can smell sandalwood and cyprus on the breeze. Can feel the frigid cold gnawing at her skin. She steals a look at Kakashi.

The moonlight is too bright on his body. She can see the long lean curve of his strong torso. The depth of his broad chest. The definition in his shoulders. Every movement, a minute flex of muscle. She can see every scar and tear on his body. The microscopic hairs lining his arms and running down his stomach beneath his navel. She can see a little of his face masked in shadow. She feels her temperature rising slightly. She imagines that she can see his lungs. Breathing. Breathing. Breathing. She feels her temperature falling slightly. She imagines that she can see his heart. Beating. Beating. Beating. And Asuma's

not.

She looks away, swallows hard.

"Well." she says quietly.

"Yeah." he replies.

She wants to step off of the stone, but her naked skin is already shivering from the cold air. She can't admit that she's afraid. She can feel him looking at her. From the corner of her eye she can make out his one dark iris pinned unwaveringly to her face. And the almost patient expression there almost like a dog waiting beneath the table for scraps. The imagery makes her cringe, but Kakashi doesn't seem to notice and she wonders if he'd even been looking at her at all. She turns and forces herself to concentrate on the water. She can still feel him looking.

"What?" she asks, and feeling strangely numb she's afraid to look at him and intercept the answer in the knowing shadows braiding up his face. "Are you sure you want to do this?" he asks lingeringly. She has forgotten what surety is, but she knows that if she walks away from This. This here and now, she might never stop wishing, thinking, what if-ing, dying. She nods chewing her bottom lip.

"Man." he swears, and his breath comes out in a confused film of ice. The word issued from his throat reverberates through the dark emptiness, a massive echo. His deep soothing drawl makes even the foul syllable sound like a blessing from the saints. And she hates him more than ever. With a passion so strong that it completely overtakes her. She feels her lip curling up like a rabid dog's and turns to glare at the side of his chiseled face, but finds his daunting eyes are gazing down into the black sludge bowl crater of water.

He looks up at her and the verdant look in his eyes snatches all the malice from hers. He says

"For Asuma."


	4. ignorant

What he doesn't know is that she can't swim.

At all.

What he doesn't know is that she's terrified of water.

That the fear is paralytic.

Debilitating.

Which is something that Asuma often teased her about, particularly when they had missions to tend to in the land of waves.

'What are you going to do Kurenai? Take one step and drown?' he'd joke.

All jokes aside that is exactly what she feels like doing tonight.

What Kakashi doesn't know is that stepping off of the stone will be an even bigger step for her than they'd "planned".

"Stupid." she murmurs under her breath.

She feels her chest tighten.

His eyes flick to her uncertainly.

"What?" he asks, narrowed eyes.

At the last minute she reaches for his hand. But either she is too far away or he is, either way it doesn't matter.

She jumps.


	5. rescue

The water takes her in, as it's uplifted black face promised that it would. She breaks the surface hard and the cold comes to attack her from all sides, a thousand stabbing knives. She sinks straight down to the murky bottom and her first impulse is to gasp for air.

But then she curls up within herself and wills her body not tofight.

To just relax.

The water is black and thick. It won't be long. She doesn't struggle. She feels the water pulsing around her. Invading her mouth, her nose, her lungs. She closes her eyes. Imagines his tawny skin. The coarse feel of his beard against her cheek.

She can feel the water stealing her weight. Floating becomes effortless. Logical. Her vision corkscrews in, out. Her chest burns. She floats. Sinks. Flies. She can't be sure. She feels as if each individual part of her body is ejecting itself from the core. Mass shut-down.

Relax.

She relaxes. Counts her heart beating in her ears.

Three.

Days since they brought home Asuma's hitai-ate. But no Asuma. Just the harsh whispers behind her back. 'Poor girl'. The tip toeing past her cubicle with their eyes lighted up expecting to catch her crumbling. Wringing hands. Staring pairs of eyes suddenly curious of her. And Kakashi's thoughtful, but bland, strained smiles.

Two.

Sleepless nights. Spent tossing and turning. Dreaming. Sweating. Crying her eyes down to swollen wrung masses set in her whirlwind head. Dripping eyelashes down her cheeks, the way she used to drop he-loves-me, he-loves-me-not petals just to pry an elementary smile from that broad brown face.

One.

Body, mind, soul, crushed. Broken. Floating. Dwindling. Gasp.

Zero.

Light. She can just make out the bright piercing light at the zenith of her funneling vision. And Asuma. She can picture him clearly. And is certain that he's there in front of her. She tries to feel joy, but feels nothing. And she tries to call out to him, but no sound escapes her frantic throat. Neither does he speak to her. Simply extends his hand.

And without question she finds herself reaching. For his fingers.

Grasping.

Reaching.

Almost.....There....

Her head clunks against something hard, and Asuma vanishes taking the light with him. Suddenly there is impenetrable darkness again. And she is choking. Sputtering up foul tasting water. Waving her arms frantically. Her fingers meet wet skin, but it's not her own. She thinks the scent is decidedly pleasantly male, and as she feels her body being lifted she clings to that secure musk.

She is aware of strong sturdy arms encircling her and beneath her body. Carrying her. And for a moment she is certain that Asuma has returned. Then suddenly her head is thrusted above the darkness, and her throat explodes. As if an A-bomb has been embedded in it's fleshy walls. She clings feverishly to those strong arms and can just make out the stars and sky overhead, darkness penetrated only by a sliver of the moon. And his huge halo of silver hair. She smiles.

As they move together towards the shore. She coughs sporadically and stares up dreamily almost in a trance at Kakashi. And the slightly...miffed expression on his face. This makes her laugh loudly, oddly enough. But when Kakashi sits her firmly back on shore he does not look amused.

At all.

He stands there arms folded, soaking wet with his hair plastered down dripping into his glowering eyes.

He slaps her.

Her head reels, constellations dance before her eyelids. The shock is more than the pain. But at first she thinks her neck is broken. Then moving it tentatively she looks at him, blood caking at the side of her mouth and he meets her alarmed gaze with a cool stone stare. And his voice is as smooth as marble when he speaks.

"What the devil did you do that for, stupid?"

For a moment she just sits there shocked. Then suddenly she's flinging her arms around his neck. Answering him the only way she knows how.

And crying her life juices onto his wet chest. Latching onto his body and holding him so close she can feel their hearts beating against each others. Almost trying to physically transfer their pain.

Shocked, but surely he stiffly returns her embrace.


	6. breaking dawn

Kakashi carries her in his arms back up the cliff side. She holds on to him with her arms around his neck like a baby, her eyes wide and runny.

They sit on the cliff top in the grass. And she has never been a smoker, but feels the need. She grabs a pack from Asuma's guitar case and lights up, sending illuminated distress signals up into the night sky. Puffs of airy smoke that ultimately no one will see but them.

Kakashi's takes out Asuma's old guitar. He fiddles around, tuning it with sure hands, and begins to play a little. She realizes that she has never seen his naked face before and squints desperate to study it's contours in the shadows.

She thinks to herself that he's absurdly beautiful. With perfectly symmetrical features and angles and lips. And feels sorry about his eye. Although it adds, she thinks ,character to his beauty.

His physical perfection adds eerie surreality of the night. It's bizarre. She looks at him and he looks up and smiles. And as if his lips aren't used to moving in such a way, the smile hangs crookedly from his face. She feels something quiver at the base of her spine and imagines Asuma face naked behind that same guitar playing his favorite song.

Kakashi strums a few chords, then is silent. He looks at Kurenai smoking, then out towards the water. And she thinks she notices his eyes get shiny. But when he looks back at her, they're dry.

It's unspoken between them. It's time.

She stubs out her cigarette and he replaces Asuma's guitar almost lovingly in the case, with the rest of his things, closing the case. They stand up, slip into their robes and sandals and together they push the case out off of the cliff and into the water.

Then Kakashi holds out his arm like an umbrella and she walks underneath it and lets him curl it around her shoulders. She loves him.

His body is still wet in places. Water from his hair drips down onto the top of her head. Her ear is pressed to his chest. A strange sense of something comes over her as she watches the coffin floating out to sea. She can't quite put a name on it, this strange new feeling, but she is glad to hear Kakashi's heart beating.

They stand together like that and watch the coffin for a while. When it's just a speck on the horizon, breaking dawn and causing a splatter of pastel light across the sky.

She says "You know, I almost saw Heaven."

"Asuma was there." Kakashi replies without hesitation or question. "Yeah." she says. Then "You know he's not dead to me, yet." He pulls her closer and now she is sure his eyes are wet. She can hear it in his voice when he says "He never will be."


End file.
